[Action]

[lunarborn]

[After the events of the previous week, the mature thing to do would have been to would have been to take the awkward stares and deliver his humble apologies like a man. Yet after spending a week steeped in the most negative emotions he'd indulged in even the darkest of fantasies, it was easier to keep to himself.

He'd been spending quite a bit of time along the southeastern banks of the river running outside the village, staying outdoors to avoid the all-encompassing yet entirely oppressive forgiveness that awaited him at home. He would make amends and pay his dues in time, but for now, there was still the matter of coping with what was within him that the experiment had tapped to affect his actions.

The man lying faceup on the riverbank would still be visibly bruised despite sharing living space with a mage proficient in the healing arts. He'd been grateful to have been pulled from the precipice of death, yes, but wished to let the tender achy muscles, dark bruises, and angry gashes heal on their own as penance. It was in this way that he watched the sky begin to darken, chronicling the sun's slow journey towards rest.]

Comments

[seedprodigy.livejournal.com]

...Not proud? You're not proud you were once something like that?

[Oh dear. Run and hide, Cecil, run and hide - because Quisty's getting louder by the word, though she never quite reaches shouting level-]

Not proud you were once someone that walked all over women and tried to force them to your will and would even consider forcing yourself on a woman who CLEARLY WASN'T INTERESTED-

[-okay, except for that part-]

and would even CONSIDER that it was you male right to have every girl around just for your personal pleasure?! And now you have the temerity to sit there and wallow in your angst and not doing anything to actually make up for it or make the world a better place or maybe protect women Hyne forbid?! You're just going to sit next to the water and moan and be pathetic in silence away from everyone until someone else stumbles over you!? GROW UP, Cecil! Grow up and wake up to the fact that life won't let you do that and if you don't try and make amends for what you were and what you did, no one else will either! Forgiveness doesn't just come because you want it or feel like you deserve to be struck down where you stand! If you want things to be better then you have to work at it!

[-and she finally runs out of breath and steam at the same time. She's thrown her book on the ground at some point during that whole thing and is standing there with her hands clenched. Be proud, Cecil! Not everyone triggers a Quistis lecture!]

[lunarborn.livejournal.com]

[Cecil tensed from the sheer volume and intensity contained in Quistis' lecture. Truthfully, it triggered memories of a time he'd slepped another man for mourning his dead bethroved too long. Was that the level of spinelessless he was displaying? If that was the case, it was indeed wholly unacceptable!

Being closer to the ground than she at this moment, he took her book quietly and passed it up to her without raising himself.] I have journeyed great lengths to rid myself of that stigma, Lady Quistis. It is unfortunate you were forced to meet me in such a state. I would truly wish to redeem myself to you, if you will allow it.

[seedprodigy.livejournal.com]

[No, Cecil was displaying a higher level of spinelessness than the man he'd berated. Some "hero" he was - hiding off away from others and cringing whenever consequences were presented to him.

Quistis took the book from him, only to throw it down again immediately in extreme emphasis - it didn't hit him, but it came pretty close.] I. Told. You. Grow up. Grow the entire set of male appendages and start actively trying to fix past mistakes rather than just sitting here brooding. You're nothing but a spineless fool if you don't.

[And she didn't have to stay here! Him abasing himself more would only get her more annoyed, so she grabbed for her book and turned to walk off. Seriously Cecil, if you want to have a conversation with her, stop sounding like a passive emo idiot.]

[lunarborn.livejournal.com]

[It took quite a bit to raise Cecil's ire. Having a woman who knew nothing of his struggle, though, who didn't appreciate his fully kind and responsible attempt to face her and give her the opportunity to name the punishment she wanted him to have... Well.

He'd been hated before. Even after atoning for his original sins, there were places he knew would never welcome him; having a drink at the bar in the wizard village Mysidia, for example, would be forever out of the question. But even the most vulgar, hateful grudge-holders in his homeland stopped short of questioning his manhood. Cecil had quite an appropriate set of male appendages, thankyouverymuch. They were a little bit sore at the moment, but present nonetheless.]

Now see here. [He rose, eyes focused upon her dismissive back.] Perhaps Milady mistakes good manners for passivity. I will admit that introspection resembles laziness and inaction. I respect your opinion. However, to call it childish that I would approach you and welcome the punishment you would deem appropriate, to suggest that I can know how to mend the harm I've brought to you without your input.. [He trailed off, unaccustomed to being this vocal with his negativity.] If you choose not to forgive me, I cannot help that. It is regretful, but I understand. But there is nothing inherently spineless in repentance. If your heart is too hardened to understand this, then it is you I pity.

[seedprodigy.livejournal.com]

[Well well well. It seemed he didn't entirely lack a spine after all.

Quistis stopped walking when he started speaking in a less... passive way, looking back at him and letting him speak his piece. The comment about being hardhearted washed over her; it wasn't as if people hadn't said that about her in the past. Recently, too. She knew she still needed a little practice, but she also knew she wasn't hardhearted - simply not interested in letting people get away with no effort.

So she watched him as she spoke, her expression gradually becoming... less annoyed. And when she spoke, it was was clear she wasn't just saying everything that came to mind the way she had been before. She sounded much more normal, to anyone who knew her.] I call it childish to go out somewhere people aren't likely to find you to brood over something that you, personally, didn't want to do. [She paused for just a moment, that he probably didn't like, before continuing.] I call it less childish to take on the responsibility of something that you, personally, didn't want to do, but was still perpetuated by something controlling your body.

[See there, Cecil? She knows it wasn't you. It sounds (and it really is) like Quistis just doesn't like the way you're basically hiding and cringing. But as she goes on she gets more and more calmed down and rational.] I don't think you need forgiveness. That ...experiment changed a lot of people, even some I know, into something they very much weren't. Mostly physically - your change seems to be entirely emotional. [And now she sighs and settles down on the grass herself, legs tucked carefully up underneath her.] What I am saying, is that just waiting for people to forgive you doesn't seem like it will help you much - because however many do, you need to forgive yourself as well, or it's meaningless. Or maybe accept that it wasn't you doing all those things - I have to admit, I like the fact that I don't have to defend myself from this you.

[lunarborn.livejournal.com]

[Anger wasn't an emotion that came easily for Cecil; in general, he didn't see very much point in holding on to useless grudges and keeping enemies who could very easily become friends if one provided them the opportunity. Because of that, when Quistis decided to settle down, he sat beside her, glad for the company.] I suppose you're right. The entire purpose of this place seems to be the encouragement of suffering.

[He smiled broadly at her compliment.] Why, thank you. Likewise, I'm pleased that I won't again be receiving your particular sort of self-defense.

[seedprodigy.livejournal.com]

We wouldn't be here if someone, whoever it is, didn't take an interest in our suffering. Why else would they yank however many people it is by now into this... trap? [A rhetorical question if there ever was one.] And in that situation, my form of self-defense was needed - at least the one I had to use. I'm sorry that you had to suffer for whatever was controlling you, but there's no way I will ever let that happen to myself. [And while she sounded very determined and set in that matter, at least she didn't sound angry at him? Maybe a small comfort to someone who'd only met her under really bad circumstances, but she clearly wasn't yelling at him anymore.

And Quistis shook her head a little.] I mean it, though - does my forgiving you and physically punishing you actually make a good difference in the way you feel? Does it make you feel more like a worthwhile person? Or make you happy? [She paused to pluck a grass stem, then focused on studying it while she talked.] Repentance is all well and good, but you seem... to not be very comforted by it, or improved by it. And that's not to mean you don't seem like a good person now, but because it seems that you would still be... sad, even after that.

[lunarborn.livejournal.com]

Not at all. In fact, I am indebted to you for those measures used to prevent me from doing worse. You're quite a capable mage. Have you studied black magic for very long?

[He hesitated a bit as her questions became more personal.] You may be right. Yet wouldn't it be selfish to seek forgiveness for my own sake? I think it's important for me to keep hold of what I was. If I don't keep that persona within my memory as a frame of reference, it lessens the desire to become a better person on a day to day basis. [He averted his eyes from her, somewhat uncomfortable with sharing his emotional state with others aloud.] I require no comfort, nor should my happiness be a concern to you. I repent to repair the damage I've wrought. It's.. Simply what ought to be done.

[seedprodigy.livejournal.com]

[The unfamiliar term was met with a brief blank look.] Black mage? I'm a blue mage primarily, since I learn the unique attacks of monsters on my... back home. Aside from that, I'm a professional mercenary, and one of my specialties is combative magic. I just seem to have a talent for it. [More than some others anyway, though all SeeD were required to learn and use it.

And Quistis has to smile at what he says - in some ways, he sounds like her.] Wrong - happiness is a concern to any decent human being. And I believe you weren't in control at that time, so I don't see why you should take more guilt than is necessary onto your own shoulders for it. The more you do that, the more you start to sink... and sink... and eventually you just get swept away. [She turns that smile, a little more ironically, at him.] Speaking from experience.

[lunarborn.livejournal.com]

Your world truly has such magic? [Cecil seemed taken aback by how commercialized Quistis was making it sound.] It's quite rare for people from my world to specialize in more than one type. [Well. Except for that one summoner village Cecil and Kain had burned down. Oops.] I can perform a few basic healing spells, but nothing close to what a real mage can do. It's quite a lot of study, is it not?

[He smiled pleasantly at her supportiveness.] You sound a bit like my wife, actually. She speaks often of forgiveness, love, and responsibility. I feel that in a lot of ways it is she who keeps me from falling into my own trappings. Perhaps you and she would get along.

[seedprodigy.livejournal.com]

Not everyone can do it; it is something you have to learn. But from some of the people I've talked to since I arrived, our magic also isn't like anyone else's. We don't have any divisions in magic aside from blue, and that's just to classify the monster skills. [She pauses, considering for a moment.] Blue magic is difficult to master, though, or maybe it's just that people don't try it. It wasn't that difficult for me, but I think it scares others. As for regular magic, once you get the hang of it, it's not difficult, though unless you practice you'll only be able to use spells with little power. At least one of the armies back home uses magic as a matter of course, but it seems to be mostly a military thing.

[Quistis shakes her head a little.] Responsibility is one of the main things they try to teach you where I'm from. Sometimes it works a little too well... But your wife sounds like a good person. But there is a point you reach where you just take too much on yourself; I've gotten there a couple of times myself, and coming back from there is always just as bad or even worse than getting there.

[lunarborn.livejournal.com]

[Cecil nodded, taking in her description thoughtfully. It was difficult to fathom a system of magic that didn't think to separate the sensitive caring that required to heal from the spark of inner fire necessary to bring destruction. The two arts seemed mutually exclusive to him, but he let her continue uninterrupted.] It seems as though military is unavoidable for your land as well. I do wonder if, once we depart from here, I will be able to lessen such a need for my own country. There exists more reason to unite peaceably than to continue destroying one another over petty disputes, don't you agree?

[Cecil made a small, agreeing noise to her then.] I understand the difficulty of returning from overwhelming responsibility. It seems to me that such journeys are best made in small steps, though it helps to have someone there to guide you. Have you such a person in your life?

[seedprodigy.livejournal.com]

Oh, definitely, but unfortunately some people will always be destructive to the way others wish to live. Most people just want to live in the way they choose - and most other people are happy to let them, as long as they're not hurting anyone. It's that minority that think they can decide how others live, what they do for work, the foods they eat, where they build their houses - those are the ones it's impossible to get rid of. Humanity on the whole is good, but no one's been able to rid us of that percentage of the bad yet. Garden only accepts contracts from those wanting to improve life, not those who want to invade and capture - it's better that those trained for it should fight then that young clerk who should be behind a desk, adding up taxes, isn't it? He'd only get injured, or even killed, on a battlefield.

[Quistis didn't get openly philosophical too often - she was practical, maybe too practical, but this was her way of life she was talking about, and she meant what she said. Better someone who had some honor and was trained to stay alive fought a battle and not those who weren't suited to the task at all. It made the effects, and the death toll, so much less devastating.

[And she smiled at his question.] I have my friends - my family. They help me. [It was a simple answer; it didn't need a complicated one.]

[lunarborn.livejournal.com]

[Cecil nodded thoughtfully.] You argue well for the merits of maintaining an army. [He pursed his lips, considering this.] Yet where does the will of the common people come into this? My world was recently ravaged by international warfare, and I am embarrassed to admit that my country was somewhat instrumental in maintaining the conflict. My people will surely seek some sort of revision in the policies of our military, yet I am... uncertain how extreme these measures must be. This place provides far too much time for impotent ponderings.

[It was good to know she wasn't alone, though. The woman seemed to have a good head on her shoulders; it would have been tragic to waste that in solitude.] I'm glad. Everyone deserves a comforting presence.

[seedprodigy.livejournal.com]

No conscription. [Quistis was immediate with her first thought.] Conscription doesn't lead to a cohesive fighting force, and should only be used as a last resort in times of invasion by a foreign party - and only if you're badly outnumbered. Taking people away from their lives and loves by force only breeds resentment. Open military training from a young age for officer recruits and either look them over personally or appoint someone you trust implicitly to do so to find the good ones. Regular foot soldiers can wait until they're older, but you'll want to find the good officers early and hold on to them. Only fight to defend yours or another's freedom, institute tolerance and no-tolerance policies - if people can't agree to disagree and keep their differences out of every day work, they shouldn't be in a group that needs to be able to trust every other person with your life. Group your army by their similarities, with the time they arrive for training being the first choice, and their origin being second. Don't tolerate them misusing the general public. Don't let your officers go unchecked. Treat your enemies fairly but justly. And above all don't ever forget that everyone's a person with their own undeniable self - even your enemy.

[...It took Quistis a moment to realize what a speech she'd just given, and she blushed.]

I'm sorry, here you just say something off the cuff and I go and turn it into a lecture... you didn't ask for that.

[lunarborn.livejournal.com]

Not at all. [Cecil dismissed her concern that she had spoken out of turn, excited for the opportunity to talk shop.

He accepted Quistis' insight carefully, weighing her words against what he knew from personal experience.] I don't think it will be much of a challenge to find willing soldiers. My people hold great respect for their military; even the King's son must train as a knight to prove his worthiness for the crown. The practice tends to inspire sufficient volunteers from the peasantry, who are trained to display honor and valor at all times.

It is the forgiveness of transgressors that concerns me. Though our war has ended, the people cry out for a punishable villain. Yet I do not wish to feed this scapegoating.[He trailed off there, lacking a direct question for his plight, uncertain if it was even appropriate to invite a mere acquaintance into his most intimate political concerns]